Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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