wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
