i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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