Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
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He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
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My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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