I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
handjob tips. give me some.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
