He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm like, not good at living.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
