Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
