Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
