Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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