Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
