note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
