Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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