I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
