you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
