Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
