capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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