just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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