My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
