I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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