i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Randomize
