I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize