I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
