you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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