just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i barfeds in our rink
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
