I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
