Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
