I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
