Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
