he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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