peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
