forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
