Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
