i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
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Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
40s are totally the cure
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She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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