and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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