Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize