Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(904): View more from Florida

i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.

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(661): View more from California

seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome

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(480): View more from Arizona

the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

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(206): View more from Washington

you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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(809): View more from Caribbean Islands

*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God

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(425): View more from Washington

No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.

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