did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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