my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
