He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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