Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
A bitchslap is in order.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
