I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
