my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
