Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
