Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Randomize
