When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
