I'm jealous of your bromance
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
