i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
