i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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