did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
