were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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