i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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