I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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