You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
