somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
