I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
